LoveLikeElena (sifukatara) wrote,

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My Eye Pressure Surgery

I know I haven’t written in here about what happened with the eye pressure surgery yet. I guess it’s because it was a horrible experience. I needed time to reflect on it before I wrote my feelings down. And here we are.

The night before, I couldn’t sleep. I was so afraid, I nearly threw up. I finally listened to some Ariel music and she helped me get to sleep. I woke up the next day still feeling the same way. I got little support from my Dad, which was pretty much the theme of the day. We got to the hospital and met up with Liz. We spent at least a half an hour waiting until they called me back. I spent most of that time in tears and praying. The ironic thing is, Liz actually comforted me, which I wasn’t ready for. Seeing how upset I was, the nurse let Liz and Dad back in pre-op with me. Let’s just say I would have done okay just with Liz for all the help Dad gave me. But at the time, I didn’t know that. I had never felt more alone in my whole life! The nurses and doctors were nice and patient with me and I did cooperate, but I was being triggered majorly and it didn’t help when Dad yelled at me. He spent the rest of the time playing with his cell phone. I’ll give him a point for giving me a kiss right before they took me into the OR. To make a long entry short, the experience was a mess. I was really afraid and instead of comforting me, Dad proceeded to scold me for crying! They had to give me anti-nausea medicine before we went into the OR. That’s how scared I was. The nurses were very nice, especially Lin. She let me hold her hand the whole time. She even held a small conversation with me before they put me to sleep. I woke up a little while later more thirsty than anything else. I drank three cans of apple juice before Liz came back to get me. When we got home, Dad had the nerve to say, “I’m taking a nap. I need one after what you put me through.” I didn’t say anything. I just went to lie down myself, listened to Aladdin and quietly broke down. Dad had no right to say that to me. I understand it was probably hard for him to see me go through something like that again, but he didn’t even help me through it! He was more supportive when I had my right eye removed when I was ten-years-old than he was this time!

When I actually opened up to my Dad about what my biggest fear was concerning this whole eye pressure thing, he brushed it aside like it wasn’t a big deal! And he wonders why I don’t share personal things with him anymore. He thinks it’s so easy for me to let go of trauma of losing my eye when I was ten. I haven’t even thought about it until this surgery came up. I was triggered by it and he did nothing to help me. It’s not my fault that this procedure brought back those memories. And of course I want to heal from it, but it won’t happen overnight. And keeping feelings inside isn’t healthy. It wasn’t my job to be strong on Tuesday. I only tried to do it so Dad
Wouldn’t be mad at me. I shouldn’t have to do that. I understand I’m not a kid anymore, but I still need emotional support sometimes.

As it is, I’m still dealing with lingering problems due to the surgery. My eye pressure is fluxuating as well as causing me pain, which are two things that definitely should NOT be happening. I just want a break. Is that so much to ask?
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