Letter to My 13-year-old self

Dear thirteen-year-old self,

You’re not alone. I know you feel that way because no one is telling you anything or explaining anything to you. I want you to know, I understand. I understand because I was there many times before. I was you. I see you, sweet girl. I see your body shaking with fear; I see the tears streaming down your face as the prep process you’ve grown accustomed to and learned to hate goes on around you. I see you flinch when the nurse takes your arm and prepares to start an IV without telling you when she’s actually going to stick it in. I know how that feels. The familiar and dreaded process is bad enough when you can see. And even though you have most of your sight in your left eye still, you deserve some type of warning before anyone touches you. It’s just common courtesy. I see you cringe when the words “It’s time,” are spoken, even if the nurse speaking them has been nothing but nice to you. I see the fear flash across your face as the gurney moves forward. I know the thoughts going through your mind as you get closer to a destination you don’t want to reach. Your thoughts are racing with questions, ‘why again? What did I do to deserve this?’ The answer is nothing. You did absolutely nothing to deserve this terrifying routine. No matter what anyone else says, I want you to know you are NOT to blame. The hand the O.R nurse has extended, I want you to hold onto it tightly. Hold on tightly because she’s being sincere in her actions and in the gentle way she speaks to you. She cares. I know you can’t see the expression due to your vision loss and the mask she’s wearing, but trust me when I say it’s one of compassion and concern. Her words say it all. “It’ll be okay, sweetie. You’re safe. I won’t leave you. We’ll take care of you.” Those words are sincere, even though you’re too scared and angry to take them at face value. I can see the tears continue to stream down your face right before you’re put to sleep. I hear the soft prayer you utter, crying out to your Heavenly Father for protection. I’m here to tell you He has NOT forgotten you. I promise. He loves you and He’s there with you. He has you and He won’t let go. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you you’re too old to cry or grow up. Crying is a release and you need to do so. Don’t be ashamed for expressing yourself. I wish I could tell you this surgery is the last one, but I would be lying, so, I’ll say this instead. You will soon get a reprieve. I can safely say that. It won’t be for three years, but it will come. Just keep holding onto faith and the kindness strangers show you in your time of need. Before you know it, you’ll reach the reprieve God has in store for you. And when you do, it’ll last a good long time. In fact, I can safely say, it’ll last fourteen years. I know it seems like a long time. I also know you’re probably thinking, ‘why can’t it be now?’ The truth is I don’t have an answer for you, little one. I know the phrase, ‘You’re too old to cry,’ hurts you more than the IV started on you earlier that day. I know because it hurt me too. I know all you want is for someone to hug you and say, ‘It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be afraid.’ If I could, I’d have held you myself. I know that’s what you need. I know because I’ve been in your position more times than not. Just know that God is in that O.R with you, just as He is with you everywhere else you go. Even though people criticize you for showing fear, don’t ever stop expressing yourself. It’ll make you stronger. I know you don’t know this yet, but you have more inner strength than a lot of people. It’ll come in handy when you most need it. Rely on it and never be afraid to use it. That’s why God gave it to you. Above all, rely on Him. Rely on His strength, His love and grace to get you through the hard times ahead. I want you to remember that I know what you’re going through because I’ve been there. Mostly, I want you to remember you are loved. I love you, but most importantly, God loves you.
Love,
Your future self
  • Current Music
    His Strength is Perfect-Steven Curtis Chapman

The Cat Who Taught Me a Lesson in Trust

I hurried out the door for church earlier tonight, unaware of the lesson God was about to teach me. Or more specifically, remind me. I’ve been dealing with some health issues these past few months. My glaucoma is still being monitored as well as one other thing that isn’t eye related. I had to get a woman’s exam a few days ago that did NOT go well. They told me I needed a mammogram. Now I’m not afraid of the film itself. I know it doesn’t hurt. I’m more concerned about the results. I’ve been praying, asking God to help me through it. Despite this, I’ve still felt fear re: what could possibly be wrong. I do trust God, but I sometimes need a reminder that He’ll always be there. Well, tonight He gave it to me in a way I could never have expected.

I got home from church tonight to find Rajah not here. I called his name, rattled his food bowl, but he didn’t come running as he usually does. I gave him a few minutes, thinking he had just fallen asleep while I was gone and he needed a minute to wake up. No response. It was then that I realized something was very wrong. Searching the apt one more time, I opened the door and called his name. Still no response. I started praying, asking God to keep Rajah Safe and bring him back to me. I closed the door and ate some dinner I had brought home while still keeping an ear out for Rajah’s meow. After eating two of the three tacos I had bought, I decided to check again. Opening the door, I heard the happiest sound in the world-Rajah’s bell as he walked towards the open door. I thanked God right on the spot and then beckoned my little escape artist back into the house. He came after a minute or so. Once Rajah was safely inside, I picked him up and cuddled him close. I told him how unsafe wandering the halls was and expressed my joy that he had come back by kissing him and rubbing his shoulders. He responded by purring and kissing me. As I held him close, I realized something. I didn’t know if he had been out there from the time I had left or just for that little amount of time after I had returned. Then I realized it didn’t matter. The important thing was he was safe and sound. I then heard God whisper something in my heart. “If I looked out for Rajah, what makes you think I won’t do the same for you? I took care of Rajah and brought him back to you. Fear not, my child. I will take care of you too.” I thanked Him again and let a few tears of relief and gratitude fall. The Father was right. If He looked out and took care of a precious cat, then He’ll take care of me as well. With that blessed assurance, what do I have to fear? So as the day of the mammogram grows nearer, any time I feel fear starting to grip me, I’ll remember how God used a precious little creature to remind me He’ll keep me safe just like He kept Rajah safe on his little adventure.
Aloha for now
  • Current Music
    That's Just the Way the Father Is-Lauren Talley

My Eye Pressure Surgery

I know I haven’t written in here about what happened with the eye pressure surgery yet. I guess it’s because it was a horrible experience. I needed time to reflect on it before I wrote my feelings down. And here we are.

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As it is, I’m still dealing with lingering problems due to the surgery. My eye pressure is fluxuating as well as causing me pain, which are two things that definitely should NOT be happening. I just want a break. Is that so much to ask?
  • Current Music
    Come to Me-Celine Dion

Power Rangers fanfic help, please!

To start this entry off, I've been a huge MMPR fan since the beginning! My fave Rangers are Kat, Aisha, Kim and Zack! I've been looking for a Kat centered story for a few months now. I read it a very long time ago, but now I can't find it! The story was about Kat's home life. Her stepfather was abusive and both of her parents drank heavily. They also expected Kat to do most of the housework. I remember a vivid scene where Kat calls for help after an especially bad beating. Jason arrives and threatens to break Kat's stepfather's arm for what he did to Kat. Kat/Billy friendship was also featured in the story as well. There is also a scene where Kat doesn't want to go home after school and i Think she stays in the power chamber for the night. If anyone recognizes this story or knows where I can find it, I'd really appreciate it! Thanks!
  • Current Music
    Angel Grove High-Kat/Aisha

New Disney Podcast!

Aloha everyone! i Hope everyone out there is doing well! i was just wondering if anyone would like to join my new Disney podcast? I'm going to be talking about Disney movies, TV Shows and various Disney music! Sometimes I'll do a podcast on a non Disney movie, but it will mostly be Disney stuff! All you need to join is skype! I hope to see you there!
  • Current Music
    Part of That World-Ariel

I'm looking for a particular ER Fanfic!

I'm looking for a particular Abby story. I know i read it on fanfiction.net before, but I can't find it now. It was about Abby's daughter being bipolar. She has a melt down in a video store when they don't have the movie she wants. I remember that vividly. I also remember her being hungry at a weird hour around midnight I think. If anyone can help me find this story, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!
  • Current Music
    Mae Whitman-I Heard the Bells

First Disney movie you ever saw?

Aloha everyone! I was just wondering what the first Disney movie you ever saw was? To make this more DPrincess related, what was the first Disney princess movie you saw as well? Is it one you still like til this day?

For me, the first official Disney movies I saw were Peter Pan and Pinocchio. I loved Peter Pan because I saw it with my best friend who was more of a sister to me. We were super close and we had an awesome time watching Peter Pan together! Wendy was always my favorite character and then came Michael! "Your Mother and Mine" was my favorite song. As for Pinocchio, I loved Jiminey Cricket. My favorite song was "Give a Little Whistle." i only saw Pinocchio once and that was fine with me. As for the first DP movie, it was Snow White and I dislikedi it with a passion! I was so scared by it that my parents and I had to leave the theatre. But when i saw TLM, I LOVED it! I tried watching SW again years later and I still didn't like it.
How about the rest of you?
  • Current Music
    Just Forget About Love-Jasmine/Iago/Aladdin

Kicked Out of Pixie Hollow Unjustly!

That’s what happened tonight! I know I haven’t updated in a long time, but I’ll do a proper update after this entry. I just had to get this off my mind. I usually don’t let things like this bother me, but this is the second time this has happened!

It all started when I saw an update in the Pixie Hollow comm from someone asking when they were going to re air the Pixie Hollow Games. It turns out she had missed it twice. I commented on her entry, telling her that Disney Channel would probably rerun it and to look on YouTube as well. I then stated my opinion of the show, saying that Tink wasn’t in it enough for me and that the new fairies that were in it weren’t anything to write home about.

Well the original poster replies to it and accused me of disrespecting her. Then she deleted the comment. I sent her a PM and tried to explain that I wasn’t trying to disrespect her or what she had written. I was simply stating my opinion and I was NOT bad mouthing the show as she accused me of. The next thing I know, she replies to the message and bans me from the comm!

I honestly think that was uncalled for. I even stated in my message to her that I Hope her day got better and I was sorry she was having a bad one. I don’t understand why she fell the need to ban me. It wasn’t like I used vulgarity in my message or bashed the show. I just stated my opinion. She banned me before for something similar when all I did was ask a simple question. Needless to say, I’m trying not to let this bother me, but it’s a little hard. I’m missing Aunt Gracie a little more than I Thought I would despite the fact that we talked a few days before everything took place and I don’t need this on top of everything else. To top it off, I might not be going down to my Dad’s for Thanksgiving after all due to unexpected setbacks in moving plans for him and Tim.

As I write this entry, I’m watching TBAA: The Perfect Game and listening to a folder of songs. “We Are One” is on, which is calming me considerably. Then again, this song always calms down down.
Mesai an and Aloha for now

Who? God
What? He loves you.
Where? Everywhere
When? Always, forever, without ceasing.
How? Unconditionally, totally and completely.
Why? Because you are His child.

“God is here and He loves us. In spite of all the mistakes. And He has a plan for us all.” Gloria
  • Current Music
    I'll Try-Return to Neverland

Seeing Dolphin Tale with Crystal!

Crystal and I went to see Dolphin Tale together two weeks ago! It was awesome beyond words! We had an awesome time and Crystal really liked the movie! She cried a little as well, just like I did. I think I startled her a little when i started cheering in a few places, but it was all good. We went to freshen up after the movie was over. While in the bathroom, we ran into a friend of Crystal's. She introduced me and I asked Bridget what movie she saw. She told me she saw Dolphin Tale, like us. She then said if I hadn't started cheering, she would have. GOL! All in all, seeing Dolphin Tale with Crystal was very enjoyable! I'll talk about my first time seeing it in another entry.
Mesai an and Aloha for now

Who? God
What? He loves you.
Where? Everywhere
When? Always, forever, without ceasing.
How? Unconditionally, totally and completely.
Why? Because you are His child.

“God is here and He loves us. In spite of all the mistakes. And He has a plan for us all.” Gloria
  • Current Music
    Hazel-Dolphin Tale Soundtrack

JAWS Comes to Life!

While i was at Kim's, we were reading a story I had written when JAWS started acting up. I got a little frustrated and said, "No, go to the end, you idiot!" As I went to go to the next line, Samantha, the voice I was using was like, "Go away." Well Kim and I were cracking up at that for at least ten minutes!
Mesai an and Aloha for now
  • Current Music
    Edge of the Edge of the Sea-Ariel